I’m trying to remain positive. It’s hard sometimes. Memories haunt me and people taunt me. Sometimes I find myself staring deeply into the mirror with such self-loathing I wish I could smash my face the way I could smash the mirror. My eyes? What’s behind them? I don’t know the girl in the reflection. I don’t trust her.
I go off on my own and have a surf and I feel better. I’m getting better and better at nailing those waves. The moment of panic when a green wave lifts me and catapults me in an explosion of water is not frightening anymore. The water is turquoise; clear and glassy, and only nail-bitingly cold. It’s invigorating. I rise over incoming green walls of water, always looking for the next one behind it. They get bigger and bigger, but I keep paddling out.
I get out of the ocean and I have a nice conversation with a few strangers. I have an identity for a moment. I know whom I am, here, right now, talking to them. I make jokes and smile and even feel a bubble rising beside my heart. Then I get in the car. The smile slams shut. Those eyes are back. I wish I didn’t have to leave.
It’s hard loving others when you loath yourself this much.
But I know, somewhere in my heart, I do. I have to. I’m not that far gone am I?