I’m trying to remain positive. It’s hard sometimes. Memories haunt me and people taunt me. Sometimes I find myself staring deeply into the mirror with such self-loathing I wish I could smash my face the way I could smash the mirror. My eyes? What’s behind them? I don’t know the girl in the reflection. I don’t trust her.

I go off on my own and have a surf and I feel better. I’m getting better and better at nailing those waves. The moment of panic when a green wave lifts me and catapults me in an explosion of water is not frightening anymore. The water is turquoise; clear and glassy, and only nail-bitingly cold. It’s invigorating. I rise over incoming green walls of water, always looking for the next one behind it. They get bigger and bigger, but I keep paddling out.

I get out of the ocean and I have a nice conversation with a few strangers. I have an identity for a moment. I know whom I am, here, right now, talking to them. I make jokes and smile and even feel a bubble rising beside my heart. Then I get in the car. The smile slams shut. Those eyes are back. I wish I didn’t have to leave.

It’s hard loving others when you loath yourself this much.

But I know, somewhere in my heart, I do. I have to. I’m not that far gone am I?

Am I?


10 thoughts on “Inward

  1. My sister has an old classmate that worked with me. She was the Director of one segment of the Entertainment department and her husband was the Director of another segment. Their Vice President was the father of one of my employees. Well, one day I roll into work and was pulled aside and told that the VP and my sisters friend were let go. Why? Because they were taking business trips together for the company but shacking up and going out to dinners. Pretty embarrassing.

    So what does the lady do now? She is a successful life coach for companies. That is right…she tells people how to make the right choices.

    We all struggle with loneliness, feeling like a fraud, and lacking the cajones to take major risks. This lady is clearly a fraud but she can fake her way through life.

    I wish I had the magic phrase to make you feel you feel better about yourself but that has to come from you. I know it is not easy. But the old cliche is true and that is life is not easy.

    But I have always like this:

    When you visit an island, inside the reef the sea floor is sandy. There are no waves. There are also few signs of life. On the side of the reef facing the sea is where the coral is pounded by waves. The reef is teeming with predators. This is where the schools of fish are and the colors.

    Adversity is part of life. How we overcome obstacles defines us.

    Take care and sorry for such a long post!

      • I try to keep it short but it never works…You know how it is to love writing. You have to a flair for the dramatics!

        I also think you have a lot of great qualities…you surf and you enjoy cats. You also wear flip flops even when it is cool out. I would give you a wave! Just do not try to sneak in a second wave from the next set!

      • When some kid or a newer surfer ends up dropping in on me…I usually end up cheering them on.

        At my point, I think I have caught enough waves already to last a lifetime so a few slipping away does not hurt me.

        I do get mad when some person who should know better tries it. My kiddo and his buddies got a kick out of when some greedy bunghole on a longboard took off on me so I proceeded to burn on him on the next two waves then gave him a long speech about who to take off on. He drifted off down the beach and order was restored! To my credit I did tell him that he was welcome to surf anywhere but he needed to follow the rules but maybe he felt he could do that and he left.

        The joys of surfing!

  2. Nope! You’re not that far gone. You’re identity is not a here thing, change there thing. Next time you are out surfing… stuff some sand in a few bottles and put some in your car and at your desk, heck even in the fridge! Let that sand serve as a reminder that you are more than just simply just a grain but that you are a unique individual, gifted with one-of-a-kind qualities, who is that person they feel when they are catching a wave and “sitting on top of the world”. Fight to stay upright gal!

      • I’ve got my rocks from the mountain tops and my sand from the seashore. Couple that with a faith in the one who creates all things and ya know what? Life is a pretty sweet deal! Stay upright and let it ride. Cheers

      • Thanks… That’s something my High School English teacher never would have said! Working as a science (geek) teacher for almost 30 years has forced me to look at my students and their needs (needy buggers for sure) and not just focus on me… One of my colleagues whom I taught with for many years,(the art guy) came to my room one day and with a bunch of wave polished rocks and driftwood and told me that I needed more balance in my life. He told me to take the sticks and rocks and create a visual sculpture of balance with them.. ( I felt really silly with this contraption, waving precariously on my desk).. but the visual served as a reminder ( that I had to explain to every kid is seemed).. that my life needed some work… The message began to sink in… (I get by with just the rock and sand in a dish now!) We are all a work in progress…

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