368 days

Happy Anniversary to my eating disorder.

Happy Anniversary to the crippling depression.

I’ve heard that time heals, but it still keeps me up at night and still keeps me torturing myself.

I’m going surfing on Saturday. I read an article that sea spray helps depression. Maybe that’s why surfing has lifted my spirits enough to keep me alive. Surfing will help me. The only problem is I am weak and have no strength. Insomnia has exhausted me and it is physically painful to walk more than two kilometres. The twelve-month mark has affected me in ways my poor boyfriend was dreading it would. I will always love him for his patience with me in times like this. There’s nothing like the experience of being forced to strip and weigh in front of somebody you care about just so they can check if you’ve lost weight. As I’ve said in previous posts, BED has many faces. I am binge-free for 5 days. These cycles make me feel strong and good and focused. The only problem is that it is indeed a cycle. I know I’ll binge. I dread to eat because I know that once I eat, I may not be able to stop.

I hate this.

I apologise for rambling but I feel the need to explain how I feel…how I transpose my pain into self-inflicted pain because it’s easier to cope with.

I’m hanging for a surf.

I really need to surf.

I really need to enjoy myself even though I feel as though I do not deserve to.

It’s been 368 days since I lost my little mate. 368 days. It kills me to know how many more I have without him.

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2 thoughts on “368 days

  1. Hey, I just wanted to say great blog, loving your style. I recovered from anorexia 7 years ago, it wasn’t easy but stay strong! Any day binge free is a brilliant achievement so stay strong and keep in your mind recovery is 100% possible!x

    • Thank you. I’m so happy that you found the strength to kick that ED. It’s horrendous. Surfing has helped me find happiness, now I just need to kick the ED. You’re absolutely right about any day binge-free being brilliant. It gets so hard sometimes being stuck inside your own head. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment x.

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