If I don’t surf I…

Even though I’m learning to love my muscular (well, developing muscular at least) body, I still have trouble letting go of old habits and I find it quite damaging.

I still weigh myself every day. I can’t seem to get rid of the hold that bathroom scale has on me. My weight is a little higher since I’ve been surfing so much lately. My brain panics. I think I’m getting fat again. My buddies say ‘you’ve been surfing a lot; that builds muscle’ and I logically have to agree with them. But then something will stress me out and I’ll feel fat again. Not even “fat” as in a bigger size, but the way I felt when I was fat: ashamed, out of shape, depressed, withdrawn, suicidal and lonely.

I go surfing and I suddenly feel sexy. Good naturedly, I accept that my weight isn’t as low as it was last month. Call me crazy but I think surfing is literally saving my life. If I don’t surf I fall in a heap and binge-eat and cry and listen to those silly mean thoughts I have of myself. If I do surf I feel great and I eat well and I tell those mean thoughts to bugger off.

If I don’t surf

I go crazy

So I better get out there and hit the water!


2 thoughts on “If I don’t surf I…

  1. Surfing requires balance. It takes time and thought but you keep at it a it keeps getting better. Life is like that. You are finding that balance point in life. It isn’t surfing that will save you… But it will help you find that place where life (day to day) feels like surfing… Balanced – Active, Alive, Awesome… You are doing great!

    • I really appreciate all your comments. My friend expressed earlier that her emotions make her seasick. I think I feel the same way! Happy, sad, happy, sad. I went surfing this morning and it did not make me feel better – the very first time it hasn’t worked. I didn’t get many waves and I just felt hopeless and disappointed in myself. But you’re right. It’s not going to be the thing that saves me; I have to save myself. One step at a time…one stroke at a time…one wave at a time.

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