Even though I’m learning to love my muscular (well, developing muscular at least) body, I still have trouble letting go of old habits and I find it quite damaging.
I still weigh myself every day. I can’t seem to get rid of the hold that bathroom scale has on me. My weight is a little higher since I’ve been surfing so much lately. My brain panics. I think I’m getting fat again. My buddies say ‘you’ve been surfing a lot; that builds muscle’ and I logically have to agree with them. But then something will stress me out and I’ll feel fat again. Not even “fat” as in a bigger size, but the way I felt when I was fat: ashamed, out of shape, depressed, withdrawn, suicidal and lonely.
I go surfing and I suddenly feel sexy. Good naturedly, I accept that my weight isn’t as low as it was last month. Call me crazy but I think surfing is literally saving my life. If I don’t surf I fall in a heap and binge-eat and cry and listen to those silly mean thoughts I have of myself. If I do surf I feel great and I eat well and I tell those mean thoughts to bugger off.
If I don’t surf
I go crazy
So I better get out there and hit the water!